


Visions

by April_Valentine



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, post "The Day Will Come When You Won't Be"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 16:07:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8452903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/April_Valentine/pseuds/April_Valentine
Summary: The survivors go back to Alexandria after the horrific events of the season seven premier. Rick is on shaky ground.





	

The long drive back to Alexandria finally ended. To manage it, all I could do was to just make my mind a complete blank, to try not to think at all. 

Good thing there wasn’t any traffic like there would have been in the world, before. I never could have kept from getting us into an accident. As it was, I could barely keep the big RV on the road. Even though I tried hard not to think, images kept flashing through my head, like when I was on top of it with the walkers all round and Negan ordering me to get his axe. Thoughts of Abraham, of Glenn, of Carl, of everybody… of Daryl. 

_They’ve got Daryl,_ I’d said to what was left of our group. And those words kept running through my head. I could no more stop Negan from taking him than I could have stopped him from killing Glenn and Abraham, of making me cut my own son’s arm off. 

I got Negan’s axe for him. I was gonna cut Carl’s arm off for him. 

_I work for you… provide for **you** …_

Yeah, I said those words, bowing down to him in front of the people I’d led, people who’d once respected me. 

They all kept looking at me as I drove. I could feel their eyes, their emotions. I don’t want them to look at me at all. Don’t want them coming to me for answers. I don’t have the answers any more. 

Never did.

Never did things the way I should have. Made so many damn mistakes. With Lori, with the Governor, with Alexandria. And with this Negan who I had the balls to think I could defeat. 

How many deaths are on me now? I told Deanna I wasn’t sure of the number, but if I tried to count, I know I wouldn’t forget any one of them.

I started out trying to keep my humanity. Never thought I’d kill the living. Then it became easy – to protect my family. I had to be cold, to think of them before the life of someone else. 

Shane used to say I wasn’t changing to fit in with the world as it is now. What would he think of the things I’ve done? It’s not the first time I’ve asked myself that. I think he’d’ve been standing next to me, nodding in approval when we broke into the Saviors' compound and killed all those men. Keep our family safe. Take out the threat. Help another community so we could eat. 

Would Shane have bent down to Negan? Maybe not. Maybe Negan would have beaten him to death with that bat of his before my eyes. Or if not, Shane would have watched me knuckle under and mocked me for it. Maybe he’s mocking me now, wherever he is. 

I deserve that. Deserve all the anger and hatred that my family, that Alexandria, is going to put on me now. It’s on me. It’s always been on me.

“Rick?”

Michonne’s voice, from the passenger seat next to me.

I can only look at her from the side of my eyes. Can’t even really answer. I just clear my throat in response.

“We’re here. Let’s get out and go home.”

Her voice is soft, patient. I don’t want to ever get out of this vehicle and go to what was once my home. 

But there’s nothing else to do. A glance in the rear view mirror shows the others slowly climbing out too. They look numb, shell-shocked. Lost. 

I’m lost too. 

I’m alone. 

Even when I was at my lowest before, there was one person I could always look to. 

But he’s not here now either. 

There’s no one for me to look to now, to see that I might have a chance. No one to back me up.

_They’ve got Daryl._

A shudder runs through me, thinking of what they might be doing to him now. 

He was already hurt. I saw the blood, saw how pale he was. If he hadn’t been hurt, Negan would never have stayed on his feet when Daryl hit him. 

He is so much stronger than me. Of all of us, he had the guts to try to strike out. 

And I know Daryl thought Negan would kill _him_ for it. Not Glenn. 

God, that’s gotta be tearing him up. Daryl takes any death hard, takes responsibility for each one. For Beth. For Denise. And now for Glenn. 

But those deaths are on me, Daryl. Don’t you see? I was supposed to be the leader, to keep them all safe. 

But I couldn’t.

I know that now.

I open the door and climb out, my body aching, every muscle and joint stiff and sore. My head is throbbing. I’m filthy and stinking with the stench of fear and humiliation. 

“Let’s go get cleaned up. I’ll make something to eat.”

Michonne is beside me. I feel her presence but can’t respond. I don’t want her support. It’s misplaced. I don’t deserve it. 

I feel other eyes on me too. I don’t want them to look but can’t order them not to. I don’t give the orders now. 

And I can’t ask them not to look either. 

“Here’s Father Gabriel with Judith.” Michonne’s voice again, soft and hopeful.

I manage a glance up and there he is with my baby daughter in his arms.

She’s clean and smiling at me, reaching her arms out for her father.

I want to hold her – 

I can’t. 

I’m shaking my head, looking anywhere but at her, staggering, trying to not be seen by that pure little angel…

“Rick…”

Michonne touches my arm, trying to stop me, comfort me.

I shrug her off, pushing her away violently. 

“Don’t touch me!” I grit out. She doesn’t even look surprised.

I can’t accept her comfort, her understanding. Can’t hold my baby. Can’t look in their eyes.

I flash on us back in the house. Michonne cooking at the stove. Putting her arms around me. Wanting to love me back from this hell I’ve entered.

Her touch makes me want to throw up. There’s no comfort for this. No love to make me feel better. Let her take care of the others. Not me.

Have to get away, be alone…

Nobody follows me. They are all still in their own states of shock. And who would want to follow me now anyway?

I find myself in a distant corner of town, sitting on the ground with my back against the wall. It’s grassy and warm in the sunlight but I feel so cold. I’m shivering.

_Here. Take this blanket._

I look up. 

“What?”

_I don’t need it no more. Here._

Daryl is holding out that blanket that had been around his shoulders. 

I squint up at him, my eyes unable to believe what they see. 

He’s fuzzy, with the sun behind him, making him look like a vision, ethereal. 

_It is kinda dirty,_ he says finally. _Got my blood on it._

He drops the blanket and moves closer. Slumps down against the wall. Sits right up next to me, shoulder to shoulder. 

Like always.

I want to pull away like I did from Michonne. Hate that he saw me like that back there in the clearing. Pleading and begging, face all full of tears and snot. And blood.

But this is Daryl. The one constant in my life. How many times has he backed me up, even when everyone else thought I was wrong? 

_No reason you gotta do all the heavy lifting._

_If he says anything… just give me a sign…_

_You’re family too._

_Rick? You with me?_

“I’m with you,” I tell him, my voice just barely there. 

I look at him, seeing him now like he was last night, bloody, broken, an empty shell of the man he once was.

“This ain’t on you,” I say, knowing he’ll recognize the words. We were leaning against an old beat up car then. I had blood on my face that time too.

I look at him. See the regret in his eyes. It’s unbearable.

“It’s not, Daryl,” I repeat, turning toward him. “It’s all on me. Everything I’ve done since we got to this place… thinking I could take it. Thinking I wouldn’t let it make me weak.”

Every mistake I’ve made since we walked through those gates hits me now.

Looking at Jessie the way I did.

Fighting her husband. 

Killing him.

Taking over.

Coming up with that plan to lead the herd away. 

So many losses from that… I see every face… Carter… others killed by the walkers… the wolves getting inside… surrounding me at the RV…

Yelling Daryl’s name into the walkie… what he lost out there on his own…

Should never have made him do that.

I haven’t been talking to him, relying on him like I should since we came in here. 

But he was always by my side anyway. 

Saying my name to stop me from killing someone, from being more of an asshole than usual.

Agreeing with me about trying to take out the Saviors compound. Fighting right alongside me.

I should have known how much the loss of Denise hurt him. Should have stopped him from going out that morning. Or gone with him.

Would have ended up the same.

But not the same.

Does he even know I still need him? 

Instead of turning to my brother, my best friend, I turned to Michonne. I listened to her. I touched her.

It’s been so long since Daryl and I touched each other…

There were nights on the road, in the prison, when we touched. When we found solace in each others’ arms. Daryl never could talk about it. It was like he had never had anyone before, and maybe he hadn’t. He would fall apart under me like he’d never felt pleasure. And the pleasure he gave me? Like nothing I’ve ever known, before or since. 

But after Beth, he couldn’t anymore. I didn’t push him. We were all so tired, so hurt, so hungry. Nobody had the strength for anything more than just putting one foot in front of the other.

Then we came inside these walls. 

And he didn’t fit in.

And I couldn’t help him.

We were still brothers. But only brothers.

That last run we went on… we had fun. We were so in tune with each other. I half thought that maybe that night…

But he hadn’t wanted to stay inside after we got back.

And it was Michonne there with me on the couch. And I touched her instead of him.

He never said a word about it. If he did to anyone else, I don’t know. 

And now… he’s been taken from me.

To be a bargaining chip. A plaything for Negan. 

The thought of pieces of Daryl’s body on my doorstep haunt me. I have to do what Negan says. Provide for him. Give him everything.

The thought of what Negan will put him through – I can’t even fathom it. Daryl is strong, but any man can be broken. That it will take more to break him than it did me only matters because he will be hurt so much more badly than I am.

“I’m so sorry.” The words fall from my lips, so many regrets I can’t begin to count them.

Michonne had tried to comfort me. Judith wanted my comfort.

I couldn’t accept comfort. Or give it.

“I’m sorry.” I don’t even have any more tears.

_Rick…_

Arms come around me, pull me close. I grab his vest in my shaking fingers.

 _I’m sorry too._ The words are soft, regretful. Hushed. But so real.

He pulls me tighter, holds me through the pain. I’m ashamed but with Daryl, I can bear it.

I look up at him, into that beautiful face of his. It’s streaked with tears now. And I can’t stand to see him that way.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I tell him. 

_Shoulda never left you that morning. Should have come back when Michonne and Glenn asked us to. Should have been on my guard…_

“No, it’s okay. You were upset about Denise.”

_Got caught like I never been in the woods before. Saw they had Michonne and… and Glenn and I couldn’t let ‘em keep ‘em. Couldn’t let them hurt her. Had to try to get her back to you…_

“Daryl, no… it wasn’t your fault. It’s this fucked up world. You couldn’t think right. I couldn’t think at all. Just had to get Maggie to the doctor…”

I wrap my arms around him, unable to bear his sadness, the lost look on his face. He falls against my chest. I hear a strangled sob. I press my face into his hair and let my own tears fall.

We hold each other, arms tightening, hearts pounding, regrets fading.

I never want to let him go. 

I want to make love to him again, like we used to when we were free and surviving against all odds. I want to touch him and make him a part of my soul.

But we have no strength for that. 

The world has taken all my strength. I don’t want it to take his. I can’t lose him too.

He’s holding me, caring for me when I couldn’t let anyone else. Listening to the words I couldn’t say to any of them. 

He’ll be by my side no matter what. 

That’s both the best thing about this world – and the worst.

I want to push him away. Tell him his loyalty is misplaced. Do whatever he has to now to just survive.

But he won’t let me. He knows what I want to say before I say it. Covers my lips with his hand. Nods once in understanding. Acceptance. 

He is hope in a world without hope.

Tomorrow in a world that has ended.

He’s the man worth living another day for.

“I love you, Daryl.”

Our eyes meet. His drop down to my lips. We lean closer, yearning for a taste of what we’ve not had for so long…

 

 

I wake up next to the wall of Alexandria. The grass is damp. The sky is gray. 

And I’m alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. This has been in my head for awhile now -- the need for some h/c between Rick and Daryl despite them being separated. And I couldn't figure out how to manage it before this morning. Reading the works by some others, especially TWDObsessive and Legolastariel this morning, pushed me to go for it. And a way to have them together was just there, even fitting canonically. 
> 
> I'm hard at work on Chapter 22 of All The Things and will post it soon. I started a new job and have been having lots of up and downs due to the show but I have not forgotten my loyal readers and will post the chapter as soon as possible. Thanks for sticking with me.


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